Matching Match Experience
by Laura Cahners-Ford

After several break-ups and a tendency to withdraw into semi-reclusiveness, I decided it was time to at least make an effort to find a male companion, maybe even a partner. I had heard second-hand stories about friends of friends finding someone. So I joined Match.com and found Internet ‘dating’ a unique experience.
First, everybody has a user name. Most are mundane like all those usernames/passwords you need to access online accounts or registered sites. But many are tell tale. Here are some examples: lonelyloveman (needy?), fullvermonty (funny but inappropriate), duffer (old guy or golfer?), saxxyman (sax player), bighunk ( not!), destinyspup (life is fate-determined), labsrule (dogs over women?), sempergeo (earthy guy), unterminator (in it for keeps), funforlife (all play, no depth), goodtimes (player?).
My first real contact was phone conversations with a nice-sounding man over in New York State. I initiated contact because his profile began with an emphasis on honesty and integrity. Seemed we had a lot in common, and our conversations got longer and longer. Yet he never asked for a get-together. So I finally asked if he wanted to meet for coffee. And wouldn’t you know it ­— Mr. Honesty and Integrity finally admitted he was seeing someone and didn’t know where it was going. I told him to go take a hike and e-mailed him, saying his actions weren’t fair to his lady friend and to women looking for a real match.
After that initiation into the Internet dating scene I treaded more warily. I don’t give out my phone number so easily, but I do think it’s important to hear how somone sounds before taking the coffee leap. (Yes, I have a strong auditory inclintion.) I met someone else at a well-known bakery, and it didn’t click for me. Having never done this before, I was not prepared on how to say “no thanks” without hurt feelings. So when he asked me if I wanted to see him again, I said I didn’t know. He e-mailed me about my confusing response so I said no thanks. Then he asked why and stupid me I thought it might help him on his search if I told him. I tried using all I-messages, but it didn’t help. NEVER DO THIS! JUST SAY NO CHEMISTRY! He, of course, refuted everything I said and ended on an angry note.
Then there was Mr. Nice Warm Smile in his picture. I met him for coffee downtown, and he totally lacked the warmth and niceness that emanated from his picture. Mr. Serious and Scowly and I talked a while — the mismatch was so obvious neither of us had to say thanks anyway.
There was one 72-hourer (you can join for three days free) who sent me two e-mails I’m still trying to figure out if they were goofs or not. No doubt about it the guy was model-beautiful but writing in caps and calling me “sweetie” and “baby” definitely did not endear him to me. Granted, he was from Germany, but he said he grew up here. However his e-mails were in stilted, unpunctuated, childlike run–ons: “I have just join this match dating site and the reason that I joined was that I dream of hooking up with a nice looking woman like you”…also, in another “Hello Baby…I have been alone without any woman in my life for the past five years, sweetie…” Whew! Should I have thought his writing was cute and felt sorry for him or was someone really doing it for a goof just to get my goat? Could it have been a kiddy prank? This is a long way away from the “phony phone calls” my friends and I made as kids.
Then there was Mr. Love and Blessings. He was good looking, an Adirondack 46er (many New Yorkers seem to be), etc. etc. So I started e-mailing him through the match site and signed my real first name, but he kept signing his Sparrow. When I asked what his real name is he said that was it and directed me to his website. I won’t give the real site name here, but it had to do with visions and quests and turned out he led people out into Death Valley for four-day solos with fasting on top of that. Of course they saw visions (hallucinating from fasting most likely) that “changed” their lives. The site was pretty scanty on details – was water allowed? Was there 24-hour-monitoring at a distance? Were sat (satellite) phones and helicopters available for emergency exits?
When I went to look up more about Sparrow’s background once again details were scanty. He had been offering these workshops for 20 years and had trained for a short time at some unheard-of place. There was nothing about his life before the future vision stuff. It was like all his previous life didn’t exist. And to think there are people who have trusted their lives to this unknown person for years!!! Not for me. I’m an ex-hippie, but someone named Sparrow (unless he is a Native American) is a bit much for me.
Lastly there was a man who sounded interesting but didn’t have a picture. So I wrote him saying I liked his profile and wondered if he could attach a picture. He wrote back, thanking me for my interest but saying he didn’t think we were a match. He didn’t say why. My curiosity was piqued so I asked him why. Was he offended that I asked him for a picture? Did I know him? He said that my statement about doing a possible gig with Obama set off alarm bells along with the fact that he didn’t travel, etc.
So far nothing had really clicked for me, after a month of membership I opted to call it quits for a while. Internet dating takes a lot of time and sometimes emotion. (I did have one bad experience with a “player.”)But in the decentralized, impersonal world we live in, it’s definitely a way for people to link up. I recommend giving it a try.