Courage, Consistency and Love – One Dad’s Voice on Parenting in a Challenging World

by Rahn Fleming

"It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love.” With all due respect to the Peace Corps (and I hold that organization in very high esteem), whoever coined this phrase could never have been a full-time parent. Parenting is, hands down, the job this phrase best describes.
In my life I have played many rewarding roles: substance abuse counselor, public speaker, personal trainer, educator and coach. Of these, none has offered anywhere near the challenge nor the joy of the role I treasure most, father to my two sons. Of all the degrees and titles bestowed upon me, all the satisfactions and successes I’ve known, none is even in the same stratosphere as the simple word “Dad.” There is nothing in the world that I do, or have done, that means more to me. Nothing.
That said, parenting is tough. It is a daunting task, rife with challenge and paradox. It comes to us with no prior experience, no preparatory classes, no supervisory oversight, no peer support network and no instructional manual. We navigate supercharged situations on best guesses, instinct, and the seats of our pants. Often, we feel unsure about what to do or say. And, because the outcomes mean so much, we can find ourselves sleepless with self-doubt and free-floating insecurities.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart. And no one should attempt it alone. We need the support, the courage and the collective experience of one another. (After all, the kids have all that – why shouldn’t we!)
If there is a recipe for success, my fellow parents, I’d guess it includes these three items: courage, consistency and communication. The results of this blend are well documented. In the 2008-2009 PRIDE survey taken of over 122,000 middle and high school students, those whose parents communicated “clear rules” for them “a lot” were four times less likely to use alcohol or other drugs than those whose parents never set and maintained clear rules and consequences (12% and 49% respectively). Pretty solid reinforcement, eh?
On a per-household basis, though, the surveys become moments, and the 122,000 become the “1” sitting across the table. Here are some thoughts about surviving those moments, along with some hard-learned tips and strategies.
“Right now, I care more about you than I care about your opinion of me.” In case of resistance, this phrase is a courage provider. Ask the important, if unwelcomed, questions. Where will they be going? What will they be doing? Who will they be with, and when will they be back? Be certain to set an expectation that, in case of change of plans, they’ll call you. Let them know in advance that should this not occur, there will be conversation and consequence.
“I just want you to know that you can trust me to keep my word.” If you’ve set a consequence, enforce it. Our kids, after all, need to know that we can be trusted to keep our promises! Much of the teenaged experience seems to have to do with “bouncing off the walls” of parental and societal norms, defining themselves in a world of too many choices. Our task is to set the walls closely enough together to minimize the available damage (they’ll do themselves less harm, learn important cause-and-effect lessons, and we’ll know greater peace of mind!). It is an ongoing and exhausting task, one that requires more patience than we believe we have or can muster. Ah, but it’s worth it.
“You are my priority. I love you.” To paraphrase, there is no greater love than the giving up of one’s life. Simply defined, our life is the time we spend on this Earth between birth and death. So every chance I have to give of my time is a chance I have to express love in the world. Use your time to make sure your children know that they are loved. Then, when it doesn’t feel very warm and fuzzy between you, the foundation will have been laid. By giving our children the gift of knowing that they matter, we increase the likelihood that they will treat themselves accordingly.
Because fast comes the time when we’ll be sending them off into a world that is as laden with hidden dangers as it is inviting to exciting new experiences. We are the starting blocks off which they push as they venture into that world. A solid relationship based on courage, communication and consistency will help them to thrive and to succeed.